It's Wedding Season again (no, wabbitt season! No, Wedding Season!, No...)

A few weeks back I shared some of my extraordinary nuptial knowledge with Brides-to-Be, and the response was enormous (actually just my mother called !). As you all well know, I've been involved with marital affairs (?) for well over 20 years, and I'm just the "go-to guy" every soon-to-be newlywed puts her trust in!

Well guys, it's finally your turn. I have culled from the annals of matrimonial wisdom some sound advice to get you through this most trying day. So join me in the Do's and Don'ts of the Groom's Wedding Day!...

1) Lay Down the Law...There you stand, a close circle of friends pacing nervously in front of the chapel, awaiting her arrival by limousine, guns firing off in your brain from the binge-drinking your comrades found soooooooooo funny just five hours ago. This leads us to our first DO - get new friends! Face it, you're getting married in ten minutes - about to show the love of your life how remarkably committed you are to making her happy, and your friends just flipped off the photographer, and are trying to entice you to...a) do 5 more shots of vodka, b) shed your rental penguin suit and wrestle with them, c) run and head for the hills.

THIS IS HER DAY, Chico! You're sometimes just a PROP, but if the prop doesn't perform his duties she'll break it! So Lesson #1 is, before the photographer lines you up for your man-photos (you only get 5 minutes out of the 9 photography hours) lay down the law with your friends. Or lay them out - pick the smallest puniest one and make a huge example of him by roughing him up a bit! Or stifle the others by threatening to convince their girlfriends (while the girls are in the "wedding mood" all day) that these knuckleheads, too, are finally ready for serious commitment! This'll clam up even the rowdiest dawgs.

2) It's Her Day...Finally you round the church and appear at the front altar, awaiting her grand princess entrance. DON'T be nervous, because at this point nobody could care less about how stunning and majestic YOU are in that ill-fitted rented tux! They all know you took about ONE MINUTE to ask her what tux you should wear, three hours drinking with the boys before the fitting, and another minute to rush the tailor shop 30 seconds before he locked up Last Night. Nobody's Looking at YOU, except maybe your weeping mother and terrified friends! It's all about her. Just DON'T PASS OUT up there (or if you do, make sure someone sends it in to America's Funniest Videos, where you might win the $10,000 it takes to pay your divorce lawyer!).

Recap - Keep idiot friends from ruining her (then your) day, and stay vertical in that goofy suit. One more dressing tip - DON'T WEAR a) Pair of Sneakers with the tux, b) that stupid high-school prom Tuxedo T-shirt, c) Yankee Cap, d) sunglasses or Gold Chain, Guido), e) a REAL Bowtie (which, if unknotted will never find "Bow" form again), and f) DON'T try writing "Red" on the sole of your left shoe, and "Sox" on the sole of the right, just to impress a friend in the first pew when you kneel at the altar (only "NY" and "Yankees" would have a chance here anyway). And for you gangstas out there, DON'T scare the crap out of everyone by putting a red ribbon with the rings on your menacing Pit Bull, being dragged down the aisle by your apprehensive 5 year old niece! IT DOESN'T WORK, Okay!

Again, your ONLY obligation is to NOT Pass Out, and NOT to make HER look stupid for choosing YOU as her life partner! And SMILE - Act Happy while you're up there - even as your groomsmen needle you throughout the ceremony about how they'll soon possess your former apartment, complete with that 60 inch plasma theater screen and the Sports Dish, your Playstation and 30 awesome games, the blow-up Gator chair with beer can holder, your unmentionable videos and all your ex-girlfriends.

As you toggle from one leg to another, as you finally catch a glimpse of the girl that you'll be sharing EVERYTHING with your entire life, SMILE. Although your friends see this as a premature wake, keep smiling - remember it's all about HER. In fact, if you can muster it at this moment, shed a brief tear as you make eye contact with her, as her father shakes your hand.

Yes, shed a tear for all of us.

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