As you may know, I DJ weddings. And since we're well into wedding season, I have the firsthand opportunity to sit with unsuspecting young marrieds-to-be to help them plan their joyous occasion. I've also dealt with some photography too, which lends more credence to what I'm about to say...

Forget the wedding and use the money as a down-payment for your first house!!!

...Okay, now that I got that off my chest, we can proceed, because I know FULL WELL that you are going to blow every last nickel you (or your parents) have on this glorious 9 hours beginning with dressing photographs at your mom's house, limousines, flowers, church, horse-drawn carriage, reception, catering, deejay (yea!), centerpieces, unity candle, 7-tier cake with Italian pastry chocolate or blueberry/banana/raspberry cream, hall rental, tuxedos, tiaras, maid dresses and, of course, the Wedding GOWN. Also, the priest or JP needs his/her cut, and don't forget to tip the altar boys!

And I'm never surprised at the sticker shock the young couple endures when they begin booking all of this. But don't worry - I'm here to help!

My only advice - accustom your delicate brains to think - for the first time in your tender years - in terms of Thousands of Dollars, instead of the common misconception that anything related to the nuptials will only be "a few hundred bucks".

I'll give you an example - Great DJ = $1000+, unless he's family or using his son's stereo equipment. Also, make sure the DJ's personality matches the formality of the wedding. Remember, most of the relatives in attendance are older (and have given you the bigger envelopes!), and many don't want to run around with Hula-Hoops and party lei's around their necks! But some do. The DJ that's worth the $1000 will know.

Have an uncle who takes photos on the side? Relegate him to taking those table pictures at the reception. A Professional Photographer will offer you complete packages with Unlimited shots from Dressing to the moment you and "Luvee" stroll away exhausted and poor from the reception hall. If he's got top-of-the-line digital equipment, and backup cameras, he'll cost you $1-$2 Grand, not including video. Photography is MOST important, because after the hangover, after the Princess Gown is being used by your son as a painting smock, after the glorious honeymoon to Heaven has faded into feint memory, you'll be left with only the Bills and the Pictures and that Fondue set you tried once then sold for $5.00 in a yard sale after you burned your mouth on the congealed cheese clumps or a good friend accidentally pierced his tongue with the most dangerous Fondue Tines. So once you pay the bills and sell the Fondue Set to some unsuspecting neighborhood vagrant, you'll be left with the Photos. So that makes Photography MOST important of all (yes, even more important than a DeeJay who will play the Chicken Dance!).

Scared yet, neophytes? Well, there's one expense NO MAN will EVER understand ("Why would someone pay sooo much for something they're only gonna use for a few hours?"). Of course, we speak of the Wedding Dress, that pristine work of gorgeous tailored art that no bride can resist paying top dollar for. Men care SOOO little about dressing for the wedding that they incur the inevitable wrath of the bride-to-be when they mention that it would be fun to wear sneakers with the tuxedo, or a baseball cap, or one of those cool tuxedo t-shirts that some dork always wears to a prom (which are the "Wedding-Warmups"). Advice for men...It Is NOT Your Wedding! You get the girl, she gets THIS DAY (then she ends up with you - the hangover!). She gets the Princess Gown complete with tiara - $500 - $4000.

Guys, there should only be FOUR words in your vocabulary during the year preceding the nuptials - "Yes, Dear" and "Do you accept checks?"! Okay, you can shorten the last phrase to "Take Checks?" if you emphasize the question mark.

Food at the reception is really for the guests, since they're obligated to return a gift check to you for an amount nothing short of the price of their Meals (I love this one!). Besides, you never eat at your own wedding anyway, so you could care less if it's steak or dog food. By reception time you're fried - you'll know the moment when the words "Oh Crap, I'm married!" sneak into your mind.

More advice? Try not to think of the marriage thing, or the bills, until after the reception. Otherwise you'll clutch tightly that Birdcage of Envelopes sitting on the head table all night long!

Finally, enjoy the day. Forget that mom and dad had to re-mortgage the house, that your cousins are complaining that the food is not worth the $200.00 they put in your envelope, that the DJ has your drunk sixty-year-old aunt on the dance floor shaking her moneymakers to Superfreak or your quiet uncle grinding with a man you've never seen to Macho Man. You had to spend it, and now it was all worth it, if just for today.

by Tom Salatto

Homepage